The Wave

Panic must have swept over my mom as the wave pummeled me from the safety of my raft. I was only about 5 years old at the time, and very independent. The mission in my oh-so-young mind was to test boundaries, and the ocean was no exception. This day was not one for venturing only to where the waves lapped over my toes. It was a day to go a little further.

All I knew was that I was spinning over and over again. I couldn’t pull myself out and I couldn’t get a foot on the ground either. With each flip, I drank in too much warm salt water and lost more breath from my body. I was scared. Petrified really. At that moment, I would have given away my independence just to hold my mom’s hand.

Then suddenly someone reached in and grabbed me. A friend pulled me out of the water just in time to catch my breath. As I sank into the sea-covered sand, I felt grateful.

32 years later… that day still comes to mind from time to time. It really hit me yesterday that my spinning wave was a cycle, one that I couldn’t pull myself out of. I needed someone to grab me and pull me out. Not the most fun realization for an I-can-do-it-myself type.

So here I am… getting close to 40. Still stuck in my pet cycle. The one that I have dealt with since I can remember. It has led to lots of little sub-cycles. One of those sub-cycles caused me to be unfaithful to my husband, and still creates struggles in my thought life. Another sub-cycle causes me to give up when I don’t feel like I’m good enough. The sub-cycles go on and on, but they all come back to the mama cycle: insecurity and doubt. Insecurity about myself. Doubt that God will take care of me. They keep me spinning.

But you know what? I’m tired of senseless effort. Only God can reach in and pull me out from under this wave. I can keep wrestling for the rest of my life, but my foot will never be able to get hold of the ground. And He doesn’t want it to. He simply wants me to stop fighting and let Him pull me out.

So what about you? Do you have a pet cycle that you’ve been fighting? Are you ready to let God pull you out?

2 Responses to "The Wave"

  • Anonymous Says:

    Oh Paula, this is beautifully written, and definitely reached deep. Thanks.

  • Alison Says:

    Hey mama, I mentioned this to you on voiceboks, but just thought I'd let you know on here that you have a Blog Award waiting to be claimed on my blog :) your blog was definitely an awesome recent discovery!

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