I am a mess. It's time to get real.

You know, it's easy to look fine on the outside, yet be in a bad place. When you realize (or admit to yourself) that you have been in a "slow fade" progression, you have to stop and face the music. Only God knows what is going on inside each one of us. There has been so much going on inside of me over the past few months that is far from what it should be… pretty much the opposite of the fruits of the spirit. It all comes down to an unsurrendered soul.

So, now I’m taking stock. Humbling my prideful heart. Recognizing, yet again, that the perfectionist is not perfect. Repenting. Confessing all the junk. Finding my way back to my first Love, my Creator.

For the past several months, I have been trying to fulfill something missing inside of myself instead of fulfilling what I believe God has called me to do. In a crazy mixed-up way, the very thing I thought was my “calling” turned out to be my own selfish desire… and the one I thought was my selfish desire has turned out to be where God wants me. Now here I am back where I belong...
       
           worshiping with my husband and supporting him in his ministry…   
                                                
                                      playing the guitar… singing… writing… praying.

God is good. He knows we mess up. He knows we get off track. He knows everything we think, say, and do. He still loves us… not in spite of who we are, but BECAUSE of who we are. Every struggle is a test. It is an opportunity for God to get glory because of something that only HE can accomplish THROUGH us.

So I am facing the music… literally and figuratively. Things I am called to do have been neglected because of trying to prove myself and coming up empty. The focus has been on the things and people, not on the GOD of those things and people. So I’m coming back around and surrendering this wandering soul. I’m going to give my all to Jesus. I’m going to correct the wrongs in my life. I’m going to sing. I’m going to play. I’m going to write. This is who I am… because of who He is.

“You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart.” - Jeremiah 29:13

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So, I went for a long walk today. My mind has been searching for peace lately, which seems to be nonexistent. The "why" has FINALLY really hit me. My mind has been "stayed" on the wrong things. Read these words by John Waller (straight out of Isaiah) and then I'll talk a little more about it:

     Thou will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on You.
     Thou will keep me in perfect peace when my mind is stayed on You.
     Peace flowing like a river; peace never to be stolen.
     The peace that You give is not of this world; my mind is stayed on You.

For a LONG time now, I have been chasing my own ambitions... It's human nature, but I'm finally realizing the slow fade course I have been on... in every area of my life. I don't like what I see when I look in the physical mirror, but more importantly, I don't like what I see when I look in the spiritual mirror. My mind has been "stayed" on myself. Self-centeredness & selfish motives lead to a LACK of peace. Focusing on Jesus & recognizing His desires for my life lead to a GAIN of peace. Needless to say, there are going to be some major changes in my life, and I'll be writing more about this in the next few days.

Just want to encourage you to think about this one question: What is your mind "stayed" on? Self and the things of this world.... or Jesus and the things He wants you to be focusing on?

You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in You. - Isaiah 26:3

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This morning, Katherine came into the living room smiling and just said, "I ya you!" Then she wrapped her little arms around my leg. It was one of those moments that make you melt. So precious. This was the first time she has said it without one of us saying it to her first. As you can imagine, I cried, then I picked her up & held her. We danced for a while. This was a morning for being thankful. More and more everyday I recognize just how blessed we are... and how far God has brought us. Our family is a miracle.

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I woke up Saturday morning and realized that I had been "processing" in my sleep. My heart is so passionate about some of the things God has placed into my life right now that I have trouble turning off my mind. That morning, my unconscious (and then conscious) thoughts were consumed by a project that is in the works right now. A repeating question in my head... "What are our capabilities versus what should we actually be doing?" I know I need to stop obsessing. But this reminded me of what Paul said… All is permissible but not all is beneficial. Different context, but still makes you think. Back to the basics. Keep it simple. Don’t make things so complicated that people are overwhelmed and they miss it. Keep the main thing the main thing. Don’t let the focus and the vision get lost in all the details. Simplify. What is going to keep people coming back for more of JESUS, not more of US? And THAT is what it comes down to... again... It's all about Jesus, not all about us.

Less is more.

Those three little words say so much. Less complication leads to more understanding. Less focus on "the way things have always been done" leads to more focus on Jesus. Less fulfillment of my own desires leads to more glorification of Him.

I am a loner and sometimes just need alone time to think, dream, write.... In fact, when I don’t get time alone, I tend to become a tad moody and dramatic. ☺ Okay, a little more than a tad. I also have a writer’s soul. The writing doesn’t just happen on paper. Actually, a lot of my “writing” doesn’t ever make it past my brain. After a month and more recent struggling with the same issue, this “brain rambling” is finally making it to the paper…

About a month ago, I was driving around trying to get my mind off of a situation that has been frustrating me. God and I were doing some serious wrestling that night (and by the way, He always wins). Some of the phrases that kept popping into my mind were “it’s not fair,” “I don’t understand,” “why don’t they just appreciate me?” Then I was stopped in my tracks.

JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Someone was trying to get my attention. Just who DO I think I am? Why do I think I deserve anything? God, of course, had an answer for all of my thoughts…

• “IT’S NOT FAIR that my Son had to die on the cross so that you DON’T get what you deserve.”
• “I DON’T UNDERSTAND why you don’t just see the love I have for you and quit worrying about pleasing people.”
• “I APPRECIATE YOU and THAT should be all that matters. Besides, when are you going to appreciate the free gift I have given you? When are you going to appreciate the family that I have put in your care?”

If we take a long look at ourselves, we will find that we are all guilty of selfish motives and desires. Pastor Dan Berry of Cornerstone Family Church in Des Moines, IA, said the following: “A lot of people live their lives doing what they believe God wants them to do… the way they want to do it.” I’m so guilty of this. 

Do I love what I do? YES! 

Do I sometimes do it for the wrong reasons? YES! 

Do I sometimes try to do it the way I think it should be done without checking with my Boss first? ABSOLUTELY!

It all comes down to the condition of our hearts. We must examine ourselves daily to make sure that our thoughts, feelings, motives, and actions are lining up with the Word of God. We all have a God-shaped void in our lives, which we constantly try to fill with the things (and people) we THINK will make us… happy, fulfilled, content… whatever word you want to use.

The daily question to myself and to anyone else who may be struggling with this kind of thing is this: Why do we do the things we do for Christ? Is it for the appreciation and the applause of men? And added to that… if we (I am definitely speaking to myself here) are obsessing about how “man” treats us, we are putting our focus in the wrong place. And by the way, when we focus on ourselves, we also tend to make things a LOT worse in our minds than they actually are!!

For a new start to 2010, let's get our focus on the ONE who loves us unconditionally and the ONE who has a reason for wanting our desires and motives to line up with His!

“He must increase, but I must decrease.” – John 3:30

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This month, I had the honor and privilege of receiving a book from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishers (a division of Random House) for my review. The book is called Primal… and is the latest writing by Mark Batterson, pastor of National Community Church in Washington, DC. As you can imagine, I was extremely excited about this opportunity, but had no idea just how much this book would change my life! Before I start my review, here is the description from the publisher:

Primal: A Quest for the Lost Soul of Christianity by Mark Batterson

Our generation needs a reformation.
But a single person won’t lead it.
A single event won’t define it.
Our reformation will be a movement of reformers living creatively, compassionately, courageously for the cause of Christ.

This reformation will not be born of a new discovery.  It will be the rediscovery of something old, something ancient.

Something primal.

What would your Christianity look like if it was stripped down to the simplest, rawest, purest faith possible? You would have more, not less. You would have the beginning of a new reformation—in your generation, your church, your own soul. You would have primal Christianity.

This book is an invitation to become part of a reformation movement. It is an invitation to rediscover the compassion, wonder, curiosity, and energy that turned the world upside down two thousand years ago. It is an invitation to be astonished again.

The Basics of Primal...
Love the Lord your God with all your HEART, all your SOUL, all your MIND, and all your STRENGTH! - Matthew 22:37

The HEART of Christianity speaks of having a holy COMPASSION! Our hearts should break for the things that break the heart of God!

The SOUL of Christianity is in looking for the WONDER of God’s creation and scripture. One of my favorite sentences in this entire book is the following: “Awed silence in the presence of divine beauty is a form of worship that is often deeper and truer than sung words.” 

The MIND of Christianity reminds us that we must be passionately CURIOUS! A good summary of this section is the following from Mark: “We need fewer commentators and more innovators. We need fewer critics and more creators. We need fewer imitators and more dreamers.” He also challenges us to rethink the "taking our thoughts captive"... it means MORE than just taking captive the negative thoughts and sins…

The STRENGTH of Christianity can be summarized best in two different quotes from Mark:

• "Pray like it depends on God and work like it depends on you."
• "Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention.” (I'm reminded of a song... as I usually am! Listen to "Something Big" by John Waller.)

We are called to reflect God… His compassion (heart), His wonder (soul), His creativity (mind), and His energy (strength)!

My final thoughts about Primal…
Primal delivered everything that I expected… and more. As I started reading, I was drawn in by the challenge of stripping everything in life down to the basics. As I continued to read… the more challenged I became in my Christian walk… the more determined I became to pull every lesson possible from this book! It also grew incredibly clear that the entire point of Primal is to call us to a life based on The Great Commandment, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.”

Nothing more.

Nothing less.

Mark writes in a way that speaks deeply to hearts and minds. Primal is a book that can be read quickly, but should be given more time to digest. There is so much meat inside… so much that we can learn… It is not primarily a book about “how to grow a greater church” but instead “how to become a better disciple”. However, if we all begin to live the principles in Primal, I believe we will see the church experiencing a reformation like we have never seen before!

This is a great book to start off your reading for the new year… I truly believe this is the first “must read” of 2010!

If you would like to purchase Primal, you can purchase directly from Random House: www.randomhouse.com.

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1 Peter 1:6-9
In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while, if need be, you have been grieved for various trials, that the genuineness of your faith, being much more precious than gold that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to praise, honor, and glory at the revelation of Jesus Christ, whom having not seen you love. Though now you do not see Him, yet believing, you rejoice with joy inexpressible and full of glory, receiving the end of your faith - the salvation of your souls.

Some thoughts from Sheila Walsh about this passage that really spoke to me:

"When gold is refined, it is a fiery process that separates what is true from the flaws and impurities that have become one with it. The process is faithful, but it is temporary. We are called to more. We are impressed with gold and fine jewels, but God is blessed by faith that has come through fire hot enough to burn away what cannot last in His kingdom. At times we are so blistered by the blaze, it seems no good can come out of this fire. In those moments, we must hold on by faith to what we know is true. When we cling to Jesus at the height of the inferno, we will see when the furnace has cooled what is left is faith - pure, genuine, and honoring to Christ."

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