Her face said it all. The corners of her little mouth turned down… her lower lip poking out a little further than the upper. Red blotches covering her cheeks and forehead. Tears streaming, as her eyebrows angrily formed a V above her nose. Mommy was finally putting her foot down. No more pull-ups.

For months, we have struggled with the potty. Good days and bad days. The bad days dominated by stubbornness and a need to be in control. Hmmm… Katherine is definitely my daughter. She has moments where she fights me with every bit of physical and emotional strength she’s got.

But I love her. With every bit of strength I’ve got.

I guess God often sees me as I described Katherine in the first paragraph. Still fighting  to get my way. Still holding onto my pride. My need for control. My need to have it “my way.” Becoming weaker by the minute.

The pride fight is especially tough for me. Sometimes I think I struggle more than others. Remember The Truman Show? Somewhere in the deepest part of my soul, in the parts of me that I don’t like to examine or talk about, I feel like I am supposed to be Truman. The world is supposed to revolve around me. But that is not who I really want to be. It’s just my selfish human nature. 

My pride gets in the way of so many blessings that God has prepared for me. Somehow I get mixed up, believing that the things I WANT are the blessings God SHOULD want for me. And holding on to those wants is exactly what prevents me from receiving God’s true blessings. I can only find out what He really wants for me when I give it all over.

Sure I have (a lot of) moments where, like Katherine, I fight Him with every bit of physical and emotional strength I’ve got. And in the same way that I love Katherine with everything I’ve got, I’m thankful that…

He loves me. With every bit of strength He’s got.

"It's supposed to be hard. If it wasn't hard, everyone would do it. The hard... is what makes it great!" - Tom Hanks in A League of Their Own

One of my favorite quotes… one of my favorite actors… one of my favorite movies. If you are not as obsessed with baseball as I am, you may have missed “A League of Their Own.” It's Hollywood's version of the AAPGBL (All-American Girls Professional Baseball League), a women's baseball league set up during the war from the 1940s to the early 1950s. At one time in my life (about 15 years ago), I actually wanted to try out for the Colorado women’s professional baseball team. I know, crazy dream… one of many I have never chased.

Some recent things in my world have gotten me thinking more about this quote, and my mind has gone back to times in my life when I have let the “hard” keep me from going after my dreams. One in particular was during my freshman year at ECU. During the first couple of weeks of the semester, I actually went to the first day of tryouts for the tennis team. There were 6 of us trying out for 1 spot, and instead of giving it my all, I quit after the first day. Chicken.

Well, here I am again. I'm working toward something that God has called me to... and I'm scared to death. I feel like quitting... like I won't be ready in time. I'm having moments where I'm just not sure I can handle the warfare that I surely am about to face. But He keeps reminding me of the calling. Of the experiences in my life that have brought me to this moment. That I should keep pushing.

No more looking back. From this moment on, I cannot allow the "hard" of something to keep me from giving my all.

Sometimes, I feel like I just keep banging my head against the wall... 1 step forward, 2 steps back. The same mistakes. The same selfish ambitions. The same self-consuming thoughts. The same pride.

Over and over again...

This cycle seems too "hard" to break. And in my OWN strength, it is.

God never told us that His way would be easy. He only told us that He would see us through. HE alone is our strength. HE alone is our Creator and HE created each one of us with a purpose. If we are too afraid to go through the "hard," how can we really see His true purpose for our lives? This is a challenge to go forward... stop looking back... do what HE wants you to do, no matter how tough, no matter what it takes. The only way to true LIFE is to push on through the hard parts, letting HIM lead you! Don't be chicken!

"For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." - 2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

"Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!" - Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV)

The journey that led me to October 2, 2009, was one that I have kept pretty quiet... until now. God allows everything that comes into our lives for a reason, and if we keep all of our struggles inside, how can we help others get through the tough times? So here we go...
.........
It started out as a surprise on Monday, August 17. I went to the doctor and got the news… SURPRISE! We’re pregnant! It certainly wasn’t planned, but we were extremely excited... more than we thought we would be. So, we started planning... quietly. We decided to wait until we went to the doctor for our 1st ultrasound before we told anyone outside of family and very close friends. For 3 1/2 weeks, we were filled with thoughts of... a new addition to the family... boy or girl?... due in April!... will this be our last child?... need to find a bigger house!

Our first ultrasound was set for Thursday, September 10. Jeff and I sat in joyful anticipation as we waited for the nurse to call us.

Amazing how emotions can change…

As the technician pulled up the pictures on the screen, we giggled as we looked at the head, arms, legs, etc. Obviously, the baby was small at this point, but you could still make it out. The tech seemed to be focusing on something, and then finally she said, “I'm having trouble finding a heartbeat.” By now, I was about 8 weeks pregnant, so the heartbeat should definitely have been detected. After looking at one more screen, she turned off the monitor and just told us how sorry she was. Within 15 minutes, our excitement suddenly turned to shock and utter sorrow.

The next step was to wait for the inevitable miscarriage. For 3 symptom-free weeks, my inner struggle grew deeper and deeper. Could the doctor have been wrong? There were so many emotions… confusion, sorrow, guilt, anger, frustration, pain, indifference... numbness... too many to really explain.

On Sunday, September 27, reality hit. I began to have signs that ultimately led up to Friday, October 2. When I actually lost the baby that Friday night, it was incredibly difficult, physically and emotionally. My amazing husband helped me through it... helped me to understand the situation for what it was.

This was my second miscarriage. The first was October 22, 2006... in between Jeffrey and Katherine. We again grieved the loss of this precious baby, and also thanked God for our two beautiful children... knowing more than ever that they are both here for a purpose!

What started out as an incredibly difficult weekend became a blessing in disguise. I was able to celebrate “new life” by sharing in the experience of a very dear friend’s wedding on Saturday evening. On Sunday morning, hidden behind my guitar, I experienced an incredible time of personal worship... At a time when I had wanted to ask “Why, God?”... all He wanted was for me to be still. As we worshiped to that special song, Still, it became crystal clear that God works together every little detail. Maybe the details don’t always turn out as our finite minds would have imagined, but GOD works ALL THINGS together to accomplish HIS greater purpose!

We were never promised that it would be easy. We were never promised that difficult circumstances would not come into our lives. “Peace like a river” does not mean the water is always “still” on the outside. A river progresses through several different levels of rapids as it winds down its path... at least on the surface. But deep down, at the foundation, it is always... still.

“Be still and know that I am God...” Psalm 46:10

www.growwhereyoureplanted.org

Tonight was a “date night” for Jeffrey and me. On our way to putt-putt, he kept endlessly reminding me of how he was going to beat me! Those of you who have been following this blog know that I am the “competitive perfectionist”. Well, maybe I let go of that a little tonight.

For about 3 holes, I was focused on trying to get him to hold his club right, to stand on the right side (he hasn’t figured out that he’s not left-handed), and to TAKE HIS TIME!! After screaming “TAKE YOUR TIME” about 30 times, I finally decided to just let him play. Amazing how much more fun we both had when it didn’t matter how he hit the ball. I saw how precious it is to watch a 3-year-old just enjoy playing for fun… with Mommy. I mean, it won’t be long before we are deep into the competitive side of sports anyway, and then will I be missing these days?

I got lots of hugs and love tonight... but I also got a bonus... as usual, Jeffrey had one of his profound messages that always inspire me. He kept running to stand with me every time he finished putting… and one time, he looked at me and said, “Mommy, can I stand with you when you miss?” And of course, I responded with, “Yes, of course you can. You can always stand with me.” His response was simple and heartwarming... “Mommy, God stands with you when you miss, too.”

How in the world were we blessed with two such precious children? God is so good. Just remember the words of an innocent 3-year-old… God stands with you when you miss.

No wonder Jeffrey is becoming the inspiration for a lot of my writing…

www.growwhereyoureplanted.org